Can't Take My Eyes Off of You

Happy 18 weeks to Hadassah, Isabella and Cianna!

"You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.
You'd be like heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived.
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.
Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak.
But if you feel like I feel.
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you."

- Lauren Hill - Can't Take My Eyes Off of You

 

Words can't describe how much I love our girls! I sit holding them for hours trying to memorize every aspect of them. Every smile makes my heart skip a beat. Every cry and whimper makes my heart crush to pieces. I give them thousands of hugs and kisses. I sing to them. I read the bible to them. I breathe for them. I can't believe they are here. I can't believe they are mine (well they're God's but he's letting me believe they are mine). I feel so blessed to have them. After so many years, I never though this day would come. I never thought I would feel this love or happiness! I'm so thankful to God for allowing me to be blessed with these three beautiful girls! And I'm so thankful to each and every one of you, for your words of encouragement, for your prayers and your love. 

VISITATIONS

Well the girls are all gearing to come home over the next few weeks. I know that you are all eager to come and see the girls. We feel the same way, however, the girls are preemies. The flu and rsv season are not over and therefore we are restricting visits at this time to FAMILY only. If you have been sick or near others sick within 24 hours of visiting the girls please stay home. We just can't risk anything right now. I have a few engagements this month of April and I will be seen out and about with Hadassah (at the least)... I am restricting people holding her and touching her, especially children. Please do not take offense. I know you are all excited. But April will come and go and so will the flu/rsv season and then come late April/early May we will open visits to all our family and friends. Thank you in advance for your understanding! 

 

CIANNA

Cianna is doing great! The fear of NEC has subsided and she is currently on full milk feeds! She is getting about 45cc of milk every 3 hours. The Speech Therapy nurse comes and sits with Cianna for about an hour every morning. She offers Cianna a bottle and monitors to see how Cianna handles drinking, sucking, swallowing, and breathing. She tends to forget to breathe and sometimes has a dip in heart rate. She started taking 5cc, then 10cc and now she is up to 25cc. Speech Therapy is confident that by the end of this week Cianna will be able to take the bottle regularly without the supervision of the nurse which means that I can offer her the bottle myself. Cianna is currently just a feeder and grower. The Doctors believe that it will take her a long time to full take all of her 8 bottles a day therefore this upcoming Sunday, Tito and I will be going to CHOP for a NG-tube placement class. They will be teaching us how to insert Cianna's feeding tube as they believe that she will be home soon but will require the feeding tube when she doesn't take all of her bottle. I'm super nervous but I know that we can do it. I would much rather have her at home then in the hospital. She is also on 100% oxygen. She can come home on this and may require the oxygen anywhere between days to a year. But she'll be home! CHOP is very eager to train us and they hope to have Cianna home in April sometime. Ciann's attitude hasn't changed much in the past week. She is so cranky when she's awake and so peaceful when she finally falls asleep. Lord help us! LOL... Here are a few picture we captured of Cianna this week.

 

 This is Cianna - cranky lol

"Don't mess with me mom!"

 "Duck face? Please! More like tilt your head, stick out your tongue and have fun!"

"Mom, what is this animal connected to my bobo?" - Cianna

 Awww.... so peaceful, so quiet... DO NOT DISTURB LOL

ISABELLA

Isabella had an interesting week. She wasn't taking all of her bottles at Virtua. Often times she would sweat and cry and would refuse the bottle (so the nurses said). So they transferred her to CHOP on Friday. She did very well with the transport. Speech Therapy met with her as soon as she got there and they didn't find anything wrong with her bottle feeds. Now a week later she is taking all of her 8 bottles and should be home next week! She is on 100% oxygen and will be coming home on the oxygen but I don't mind because she'll be home with me. Bella is growing slowly but growing none the less. She finally hit 7 pounds over this weekend. She is so darn cute when she isn't crying bloody murder for her binky! Praise the Lord for the creation of wubanubs (the pacifier with a beanie baby attached to help keep it in place). It has become our life-saver! And I bought a few just in case one goes missing LOL ... Here is Bella from this week...

 I wonder what babies think of? Just look at Bella here, such a cutie pie!

 Bella's first time with Prince the Frog!

 Bella after getting her eyes checked this week. She was wiped out!

This is by far Bella's favorite way to lay and sleep & Daddy doesn't mind at all.

Sound asleep and without her binky! LOL ... How cute is she?
HADASSAH
Hadassah has had a great week. She was supposed to come home last Friday but she continued to have brady's at least once every 16-24 hours. Virtua hopes to have her home by the end of this week. God willing she comes home this week. We can't wait to have her home. She is taking all of her bottles! She is drinking a little over 3 ounces every 3-4 hours! Such a piggy! She often passes out right after her bottle and gets lazy to burp! And over the past week she has left mommy some of the worst smelling surprises in her diaper! It should be illegal for baby poop to smell so bad! And this week I had my first experience of having to undress her, and basically giver her a mid day bath after her poop reached her neck! OMG! It was horrible! Anyway, enough about that! She is growing so fast! She hit 8 pounds this week. I look at her and I fear the thought of having to push a baby out that size! I was 8pounds and 9 ounces at birth - You go mom! Wow! I can't even imagine! Other than that she had a great week and here are some pictures to prove it...

 Such a girly girl!

 Stretch!!!!!

 "What!?!?!" LOL - I was burping her here and the nurse took the photo. Such a funny girl!

Oh you know just relaxing and laying back with Mommy!

This was Hadassah with Nana after her eye exam. My poor baby!
 

Weights

Hadassah is now 8lb 2.2ozs (Getting ready to wear size 0-3)

Isabella is now 7lbs even (Currently wearing size Newborn)

Cianna is now 5lbs 9ozs (Is still in Preemie!)
Me - Well I need to lose weight! Like 25-30 pounds of weight! So I have downloaded MY FITNESS PAL to my ipad! It helped me before and I know it can help me now. I have tried to work out at home but due to muscle separation I feel like a bouncing hippo that is completely out of breath after 10 seconds of running in place -_- ... I know it's going to take time. I know that I'm going to have to work hard to get to where I want to be. But just thinking about it makes me want to sit on the couch with a Twinkie.  I went out to the stores yesterday with Tito. I took about 10 tops and 3 jeans into the fitting room. After trying the three jeans and about half of the shirts I ran out of the fitting room giving up. I felt horrible! I hate the way things fit. I get that you have to love your body, yeah I had triplets but you can't use that as an excuse. I have never had weight issues before. I just want jeans to fit right around my waist, butt and thighs without having a muffin top. I want shirts too look smooth and well fitted around my mom-boobs, waist and stomach. So I'm going to have to give up some things. I'm going to have to work out. But most importantly I need to establish a healthy eating plan that I can continue even after I have lost the weight I need to lose. What good is it to lose weight and then gain it again when your eating habits aren't healthy? Come on now! So I really need winter to give up and surrender to Spring so that I can head out to the track and burn some calories. And I need to find my Zumba workout disc, sooner rather then later... *sigh*

Pumping... Formula... etc.

I have decided to no longer pump. I'm very proud of making it to 4 months but it was taking a toll on me and I just couldn't keep up. I'm happy to have gotten the girls out of the "danger" zone in the Nicu. It's been about 3 weeks since the last time I pumped and I'm ok with it. It did take a while to convince myself that I was ok with this decision. I know the benefits of breastmilk and how much the girls really needed it so it was hard to part with the pump. But the girls are doing great now and are managing formula very well. They have been placed on Gerber Good Start Nourish - for premature babies. It is currently only sold at Wallgreens and Babies R'Us which is a great pain in the butt. I reached out to my local Wal-Mart and ShopRite and I asked them if it was possible to special order me the formula in bulk every month considering that I'll need about 30 cans a month. I'm now waiting to here back from them. The Nicu at Virtua is being kind enough to send Hadassah home with at least a 2 week supply, plus they're giving me a TON of coupons and thankfully have reached out to Gerber who will be sending me a few cases for each girl!!! Praise God! He never fails us and is always on time!

 

Nursery

It's crunch time! And I haven't done much! LOL .... Tito finally put up the shelves and initials on the wall. They came out so cute and the colors look great against the lime green walls. Special thank you to my cousin Veronica who took the time to help me buy and paint the letters. We had fun that night. Special thanks to a good friend Venus who got the girls their very first teddy bears and brought them to the girls the day after they were born. They fit perfectly on the shelves! We love them and we know that the girls will too! Special thanks to my cousins Ricky and Jocie for the Peace, Love & Smile owl decorations! They are absolutely perfect!!!!! I have been dying to use them since you guys gave them to me at my baby shower! Thank you so much for them! So... I washed a lot of clothes this week and now it's time to sort everything out and put things away. And I need to get a rocking chair!
 

 

All in All

All in all it's been a great week and I'm looking forward to this following week. My sister in law comes in from San Francisco on Saturday. She's coming to help out with the girls and I'm looking forward to spending some time with her. We are having guest from Puerto Rico over this weekend for Massai Millville's third weekend of Kingdom Builders (conference). This weekend it's a three day conference (Fri, Sat, & Sunday). The past two weekends have been great and I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for this upcoming weekend. If you want more information or would like to visit don't hesitate contacting me. Oh and God willing Hadassah will be home! So we have a lot going on but so much to look forward to and I can't wait!

 

Till next time... Xoxo

Jackie



Do not worry about tomorrow!

It has been a crazy yet exciting 5 weeks since our last post. I have been super busy with the girls, two hospitals, church, life at home and preparing for the homecoming of at least Hadassah. Being busy with all of the preparations I left a lot of room for worries, fears, insecurities, loneness and doubts to creep into my life. Not an over bearing amount of worries or fears, but just enough to keep me up at night, or to make me start crying at the drop of a dime. It almost felt as if I had lost my sense of self, of who I really am and in who my trust is really in. There comes a time in life when we realize what truly matters, WHO truly matters, what we truly "NEED" and what we would like to have or be. That moment happened to me over the course of the last 5 weeks. My husband and I have been trying to save up enough money to purchase a used van (preferably a Honda Odyssey) since the girls were born in November. Every little bit of extra cash that we have we put into our saving account. Even with the amount we have, it is not enough and the girls should all be home in April. I worried so much these past 5 weeks about a van. Every time we saw a for sale ad that we could afford, we would call and the van was already sold. After about the 10th time my husband would shake his head no and that would trigger the tears on my part. We have spent hours driving around, or searching the internet... but nothing, especially with our low budget. On March 7th, Tito took off from work just to spend the day with me and the girls. It had been a stressful week with the girls, and searching for a van. It was on this day that my worries about the van went away. I was sitting with Isabella trying to give her a bottle feeding. When she doesn't take her bottle she has to be fed by her g-tube. Almost always Isabella rejects the bottle nipple and prefers to suck on a pacifier while she is fed by tube. This day was no different as I sat with a pacifier in one hand and the bottle in the other. Tito was trying to coach me into giving her the bottle while I wanted to just get her to suck on the pacifier for a while before introducing the "good" stuff - what I knew was better for her. Is it not better to be fed by bottle then a tube? I must have sat there for 15 minutes getting her to latch to the pacifier (of which I was putting formula on). Eventually I was able to offer the bottle and she took it - and she drank it all. After burping her I sat her on my lap and just admired her. She was looking back up at me and smiling. For me it felt amazing to give her something better (the bottle) than what she expected or thought she wanted (the tube feeding). It all clicked. Jeremiah 29:11" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." He has something out there much better for us than what we think. And I know that when the time is right He will provide. He knows the desires of our heart. He knows what we need and don't need. Matthew 6:25-34, reminds us not to worry. It clears states "can any of you add a single hour to your life by worrying?" Worry - it gets you no where and it leads you only into despair, depression, sadness and a life void of joy and happiness. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." So I thank God for my van and trust and believe that the right one in the right time will be revealed. The other feelings or emotions that I battled a lot with the last few weeks were loneness, betrayal, insecurity, unloved and abandonment. I did not feel these because of my husband, or family... but from so called "friends." I have always been able to count my friends on one hand. I'm picky like that because few are the people who can truly be called a friend. Most people as I see them are more like leeches who drain you of the benefits you provide and then throw you in the mud when they're "done" with you. But maybe that's my fault for being such a giver, or for being the person who never says, "no." Truth is I see a friend in everyone. I trust easily. I give people 1000 chances even when they have wronged me 1000 times over. I might have an attitude but I'm also a peacemaker. I hate conflict and I try to avoid it like a plague. Only God can count the times I have come home in tears after being with people I thought were friends. Only God can count the times my parents or husband begged me to stand up for myself and speak up about how people made me feel. Only God knows how many times I brushed the hurt off and pretended that nothing happened for the sake of peacemaking. I smiled when I wanted to cry. I worked harder when I wanted to give up. I made up excuses for the way people treated me. I told myself that it was my fault. That there was something wrong with me. Maybe I had a sign that read "laugh at me, ignore me, I'm nothing..." Funny how in the midst of people I thought cared or were my friends - I always felt out of place, unwanted, and more of a burden than anything else. For years I belittled myself, FOR YEARS!!!! I can't believe how much time I have wasted. I'd like to think that I did some good for these people, you know? Considering how much of me I had to lay down for them to walk over. These past 5 weeks have brought a strong tidal wave of all of these thoughts and feelings. The birth of the girls has truly brought out who my true friends are. It's bittersweet. I know that I'm busy, often times I leave my house at 8am and I don't get back until 10pm. There is rarely any room for secular activities. But it also doesn't mean that I don't exist. Which is how I have felt for quite some time. Is anyone out there? Where are the people who swore that they would be there? Crazy how the friends I thought would be there aren't and the people I least expected to reach out to me are always there. God am I thankful for the few of you who truly care. Who no matter where I am or what I'm doing before or after the girls, you care and are there for me. I have found a sisterhood in women I least expected. People that I can truly turn to. I was driving from the hospital with Tito this Saturday and we were talking about this (friendships). I was telling him how sometimes we work somewhere for a year and make some friends but after we stop working there we don't hear from those "friends" anymore. Because apparently the status of your friendships relies on you working in a given job with these friends. So are they truly a friend? Someone told me a few weeks ago on behalf of others, "We all miss you." "Really," I thought, because if that were true they would all be reaching out to me. I have seen how quickly people are forgotten. I promise that I'm getting somewhere with this... It was March 4th... I was sitting in the Nicu with Hadassah on one arm and Isabella on the other. I must have given them a hundred kisses between telling them how much I loved them. How much I would give and do for them. How much they meant to me. How grateful I was to have them. I started crying... I could hear Him clearly, "I love you Jackie. I love you so much I gave my son to save you. If only you knew how much I care for you. I would give and do anything for you. You mean the world to me, my child. You are not alone, for I am with you. I am your lover, your confident, your friend." I have never felt more loved than in that moment. I had felt so alone and in that moment loneness was gone. Since then I have been searching and drawing closer to God and I have come to realize that while I may have not benefited from past "friendships", while I may have been the person hurt, at the end of the day maybe I was the love and comfort for those people. Maybe through me they knew love and friendship. I don't like sharing things like these with people especially not publicly but maybe someone, somewhere needed to  hear this. - You are not alone. You are loved and cared for by God. Draw closer to Him and he will draw nearer to you. Call on Him and He will answer. Look to the present and future and leave the past where it is - gone. Move forward in life with love, peace and hope. Cherish the people who make an effort to stay in your life and worry not about those who didn't. There is a purpose for everything!

Hadassah, Isabella & Cianna

               The girls are doing great! Hadassah is getting ready to come home hopefully some time this week. She is taking 8 bottle feedings a day now. There are times where she doesn't finish the entire bottle so she can't come home until she does. She also needs to be brady free for a few days. (A brady is where their heart drops). Last night while I was changing her clothes she had a Brady which was bittersweet. Bitter because it will make her stay longer in the nicu but sweet because when the time comes for her to come home we will know that she is ready with no fears of Brady's at home. Oh and by the way... It's so darn hard to clothe a baby!!!! I was sweating and afraid of breaking an arm or neck!!! Lol... All in all Hadassah is doing well. She is always happy and smiling. I'd give anything to see that that smile and joy. Hadassah is my lover, my happy no cares in the world child. 

               Isabella is also doing well. She is taking 3 bottles a day but she isn't drinking all it. She fights the bottle for 15 minutes and then when she finally takes the bottle she is too tired to drink... Poor baby. She is definitely the most cranky of the girls and so very spoiled. The second we walk into the room and she hears us she starts crying... We are slaves to her and her pacifier of which she Loves!!!! And we wouldn't have it any other way. It amazes me how much she and Cianna look just like their father but completely have my attitude. They are beautiful! Isabella is beautiful. She has the most hair on her head and the prettiest brown green eyes. She gives you this half smile smirk that melts your heart instantly. And she loves to cuddled up with me or anyone holding her. Her cooing noises are so darn cute! But her cries are loud and heart breaking. Isabella is a go getter and she doesn't take no for an answer. 

               Cianna is doing well. A few weeks ago we had a set back when she got an infection through her picc line. They stopped all her feeds of milk and out her on TPN. As a result her bones became extra fragile and within two weeks she had two fractures one on her right leg and another on her right arm. I met with her medical team and formed a plan - do something or I'm taking her to another hospital. They started working with Cianna and within a week she was off the TPN, had her picc line removed and is not starting to take bottles!!!! She has done a 360 degree turn. I'm so happy! She is even out of her isolette and in a big girl crib. She has the prettiest smile and gives you these looks with her big eyes that would make even the toughest man afraid. And she is feisty! Very very feisty! It takes an army to change her diaper from all the kicking she does and all arm swings. But this is what has kept her going! She is a fighter! Cianna has taught me to fight! To fight for me, my family, for God. There is no giving up. Cianna with all that she has been through has taught me that!

               I'm so proud of my girls. Of all they have achieved to this day. They are my miracle babies.

Nursery

The nursery is coming along! Walls are painted, all three cribs are up and so is the changing table. All that is left to do is get three frames (from Hobby Lobby), put up the girls initials above their beds, put up the shelves, and sort out all of the clothes to organize the closet. I put together the Fisher Price Snugapuppy Bouncer that my cousins Sarah and Javy got the girls. It's so cute! And so soft! I put together the rock n'plays and two of three car seats. One of which is already at Virtua for Hadassah. We also purchased the double snap n go stroller as well as the single snap n go. I don't plan on going out alone with the three but if the time comes where I have to a good friend of ours gave us a baby carrier where I can wear one of the babies (lol)... Here are a few shots of the room... 

 Here we have Isabella's crib on the left and Cianna's on the right. Along with the changing table

which will be moved the second the girls try to use it as a bridge from one crib to another...

 Here you see Cianna's crib on the left and Hadassah's on the right. We have the diaper pail by

Munchkin Arm & Hammer, you can see the bouncer, one of the car seats and the storage tower.

I love the owl bins!

 So here is Hadassah's crib bedding. (They're all the same). We got these at Target. We also

got the breathable mesh crib bumper at Target. The green owl pillow was a gift from a friend.

Aren't they so cute?

Oh and here is the very disorganized closet... hahaha... All this clothes is just 0-3 and a few 3-6

months. o_O LOL I get a headache just looking at it... OH and this is new clothes. I have tons

of baskets filled with clothes that some amazing ladies hanged down to the girls.

 

Weights

 

Hadassah

Birth Weight 1lb 6z

as of 3/16/14 she weighs 7lbs 10oz

 

Isabella

Birth Weight 1lb 3.4oz

as of 3/16.14 she weighs 6lbs 10oz

 

Cianna

Birth Weight 1lb 4oz

as of 3/16/14 she weighs 5lbs 2oz

Thank you all for love and support during these last 17 weeks! It means the world to us...

Xoxo,

Jackie 

Hadassah laughing for her first time with mommy <3

Hadassah is such a happy camper!

Hadassah - yeah ok mom! 

My pretty Isabella! 

Isabella - She sleeps with one eye a little open o_O

Isabella cuddling in with her daddy!

Cianna in her big girl bed!!!!

Cianna- not interested in mommy talking to her lol

Cianna - really isn't liking the photo shoot.