Roller Coaster Rides

It's been hard to write... heck it's been hard to think. I'm processing a ton of information every day and it's not easy. Being a NICU mom is NOT easy. There are good days and there are bad days... my emotions are constantly riding a deadly roller coaster these days. I'm trying to stay strong when all I really want to do is cry. I wish I could hide and not have to face the day or anyone. How much longer can I smile and say that things are ok when I'm dying inside? I knew the second that I gave birth that it wasn't going to be easy but I never thought that it would be this hard. I'm not only going through the NICU drama but I'm also experiencing the typical after birth feelings of empty nest. I feel completely robbed of everything. I never got to truly enjoy my pregnancy and there was so much more I wanted to do and experience that I never will now. Where is the joy of being able to give birth and hold your child in your arms? Does it even exist? What does it feel like to hold your child? I don't even know. It's not fair. It's not easy going on Facebook anymore and seeing all my friends giving birth to full term babies and seeing their pictures flash of them holding and cradling their children. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it's hard when you have three precious daughter who you can't even hold. Gosh I feel like an emotional idiot. The last couple of days I've woken up in such a horrible mood. I can't stand myself. I have so much support and yet I feel so alone. I'm sorry for such a "down" intro to my post tonight, like I said in the beginning - this is all so hard for me.

HADASSAH

Hadassah, my joy, crashed on us when she was only 2 days old. She gave us a scare when her left lung collapsed. I was still in the hospital and Tito was the only who was information on one of his many trips to the NICU to take the milk. I knew something was wrong when he didn't come back as quickly as usual. He didn't even get to explain everything to me before I started crying. I was so scared as he told me that they needed to put in a chest tube to help suction out the air build up in her left lung. She, however, did well with the suction. And after 10 days had the tube taken out. Her lungs are the worst of the three girls. She is still having some problems with her left lung and her right lung has air build up around it on the outside. They decided to try the conventional ventilator to help her lungs heal and progress. She was placed on this ventilator last night (11/29/13) and is doing very well on it. She also started steroids last night and will be on them for a total of three days. The steroids are used to help her lungs mature faster. We are praying and believing that they will work! She also had her UV lines taken out of her belly button on Thursday, November 28th, 2013. The UV line was a tube that goes into her belly button and is used to provided IV and food to the baby. These can only be used for 7-9 days after birth and then they have to get a PICC line. Hadassah had her PICC line put in on Sunday, November 24th. They started breast milk feeds on Monday. Hadassah was taking 1cc every 6 hours until Wednesday when they started to give her 1cc every 3 hours. I know that is a small amount but still I'm so happy that she is tolerating the milk in her tiny belly. Today, November 30, 2013, Hadassah had her g-tube changed to a bigger size now that she is eating! I'm so happy for her. You know there are good days and there are bad, there are good news and there are bad news. I try to focus on the good, like how she's feeding and now on a step down ventilator. It's what keeps me going. I go almost everyday to visit her and I've seen how much she's changing everyday. Her skin is toughening up and getting that 'normal' skin color look. Her little ears are starting to form firmly and her hair is growing. She's our little blonde baby. She is trying to open her eyes to the point of straining. Even the nurse tried to help her out but nope they are pretty sealed. She loves to lay on her side all cuddled up. She is on morphine so she tends to be more still then her sisters. Today, as I spoke to her she moved around and tried to open her eyes. Her stats went up to a perfect 100 the entire time I was talking to her. Maybe I should stay and just talk to her 24/7... lol ... Oh and she's been on and off of the Billy Lights due to jaundice. She's been off for two days now so I'm praying this is it for her. As of today Hadassah is on morphine (for the lungs but is being weaned off), dopamine for her blood pressure, antibiotics as a precaution to avoid infections, and steroids for the lungs. On Friday, November 22 she had a heart ultrasound that showed a small heart murmur. She was placed on a three day regimen to help close the murmur but unfortunately it did not close. She will have a second round soon so I ask that you pray and come into an agreement with us that the second round will work! On November 22, she also had a brain ultrasound that reveal no brain bleeds - SCORE!!!! Praise the Lord!!!!

Hadassah's Hospital Crib Card

Hadassah all cuddled up...

The first time I got to touch Hadassah. 

November 22, 2013

Hadassah's Thanksgiving Card to Us and You;)

ISABELLA aka BELLA

At 3 days old we had another scare this time with Isabella. During a routine ultrasound they found that her esophagus had a small tear in it. They had to take her G-tube out and her UV line as her belly button started rejecting the UV line. She was the first that needed the PICC line. They tried on Thursday, Friday and Saturday and they couldn't get the PICC line in. On Monday, November 25th, 2013, the Doctor informed me that Isabella might have to go to CHOP to have her PICC line put in and then after 24 hours she would return to Virtua. Therefore they had to put Isabella on the conventional ventilator which they did and she LOVED it. She is doing so so so much better on the step down ventilator and I'm so happy. We are one step closer to CPAP for all three girls now but I know that won't be for another few weeks as they are still so tiny. Anyway, on this same day Dr. Lenny called and said that before we take her to CHOP he would like to try one more time to put the PICC line in. He arrived at the hospital around 9pm and guess what... HE DID IT!!!! Praise the Lord. God only knows how much we were praying that this would work and that she wouldn't have to be separated from her sisters. Isabella also has a heart murmur. She has done two rounds of the medication to close the heart murmur and they did not work. She will be monitored closely as if the murmur starts to affect any of her organs she will have to have surgery to close the murmur. We are praying that the murmur close on its own, can you please pray for that? She also had a brain ultrasound and had no brain bleeds!!!! YAY!!!! Right now they are monitoring her esophagus, The tear should heal on it's on. This upcoming Monday, December 2, 2013 she will be checked and if the esophagus is healed they will put her g-tube back in and start breast milk feedings!!!! She is currently on dopamine for her blood pressure, antibiotics as a precaution for infections, and that's it for her. She had belly time yesterday and I must say it was so darn cute to see her laying on her belly. Today she was on her back and moving around. The nurse said that she looked like she was dancing in slow mode. I shared with the nurse about how I worship through dance and the nurse (a Christian) said, "Oh then I can only explain that her movements where like she was worshipping God!" How awesome is that? Oh by the way, Isabella has both of her eyes open! She beat her sisters!

Isabella's Hospital Crib Card

Isabella on tummy time & under the Billy Lights

November 29th, 2013

Isabella with her Billy Light glasses on. And an IV in her left arm :(

Isabella with her eyes open

November 27th, 2013

CIANNA

Oh Cianna... she was doing so well!!! We were so happy that everyday nothing changed and she was doing great. She rarely gave the nurses an issue and was always so stable. That is until Monday, November 25th! On Monday I spent the entire day at the hospital with the girls. I got there at 1pm and I left at 8pm. I got home around 9pm and didn't go to bed until almost midnight. At 12:30am I get a call from Virtua that I need to come in asap and "be by Cianna's side." Side note: When you hear those words you think what... death, right? So you can imagine that state I was in the entire 50 minute drive to the hospital at 1am. Anyway, the Doctor explained that during a routine examine she noticed that Cianna's belly was a little discolored like a black and blue and her super and blood pressure were really high. She explained that Cianna was going to have to go to CHOP to be treated for NEC. I get to the hospital and we waited for CHOP for 3 hours. We followed the ambulance to CHOP with our hearts at our feet. We waited and waited for them to stabilize her and around 5am we were allowed into the room. The doctors explained that within 24 hours they would have to go a drainage on Cianna's belly to empty her stomach of any fluid/poop build up that her intestines was pushing out into her abdomen. So we waited and waited. The nurse started Cianna's care and asked if I wanted to help her out. I got to take Cianna's temperature and change her pamper. She peed me so I'm officially baptized. It was awesome! We waited until 3pm and no changes had been made. They told us to go home and get some rest. We had both been awake for 40 hours before we left CHOP. I was cross eyed from the lack of sleep and not to mention my feet were ridiculously swollen by the time I got home. Early Wednesday morning (1am) they did the drainage on Cianna. I called around noon on Wednesday and she was doing well. Her sugar and blood pressure came down and as of today every time they drain her there is less and less poop/fluid in her drainage. God is Good! Her belly is also coming down from the bloat and back and blue color. So I'm very happy! They did the PICC line on her yesterday and she is also doing well from that. Cianna has her left eye opened and is still struggling to open her right eye. Dr. thinks it's only a matter of time before she pops that right eye open. Cianna is not being feed by her g-tube as they don't want anything in her belly. She is on special antibiotics for the NEC which last anywhere between 10-14 days. So she has only about 5-9 more days to go. She is on dopamine for her blood pressure and morphine due to her belly issues. But all in all she is doing better. Her heart murmur is also still open. They can't do a second round of medication for the heart murmur until she is off her antibiotics. Cianna also had a brain ultrasound and she did not have any brain bleeds! Praise the Lord!

Isabella's Hospital Crib Card from Virtua

Cianna - You can see her darkened belly here. This was right before CHOP came to pick her up. 

November 26th, 2013 (Virtua) (2am)

Cianna's ride to CHOP

November 26th, 2013

Cianna sucking on a pacifier! A few hours before her drainage procedure. 

November 26th, 2013 (Chop)

Cianna all cuddled up and sucking on her fingers.

November 30th, 2013 (Chop)

KANGAROO CARE

So now that the girls have their UV lines out of their belly button I can start Kangaroo Care. I'm so excited and so nervous to finally get to hold my girls. Their stats (blood pressure, heart rate etc) have to be stable and they have been. I'm going on Monday and I'm going prepared with everything I need. Which reminds me that I need to get out to the store and get some things like baby blankets (those fuzzy ones). OMG I'm so nervous, they are so tiny!

BREAST FEEDING / PUMPING

This is so intense! I can't seem to get a schedule down pack especially with all the running around from hospital to hospital! I'm trying to maintain an easy every 3-4 hours schedule but it's not working. I decided to not do anything extra throughout the day and to start sticking to my pumping schedule. I would like to be able to pump until they at least come home. I can't complain I'm getting at least 3 ounces every time I pump but other triplet moms are making double/triple that amount. I know that rest and proper nutrition play a huge role in being about to pump larger quantities. How do I do that? I'm not the biggest healthiest eater. I don't even know where to begin. The normal calorie intake for my height and weight should be 1800 calories a day, now I have to add an extra 1500 (500 per baby)... what in the world? I barely intake the 1800 calories. In order to intake this amount of food I'll have to eat every hour! So any of you who have or are breast feeding... please give me any advice you have. I want to be successful here. Also for those who use/used the Medela Symphony which settings did you use? I feel like I may not being using the pump right.

VISITATIONS & COMING HOME TIMELINE
I know many people want to see the girls. Unfortunately, although we are allowed to have visitors, we are restricting the visits to a select few who are helping me get to and from the hospital. The girls are very small and fragile. Visits will continue to be restricted until the girls are home and even then on a less restriction. Preemie are can catch a cold or infection more quickly then a full term baby so until the FLU session is over visits will remain restricted. I have already asked close family and friends that if they plan on visiting the girls at my home before the FLU session is over, they must have the flu shot. Those living in my home must have the FLU and DTAP shots. You can never be too careful. As for when the girls are coming home... I was told to plan on their original due date so hopefully by March 5th (my birthday and their due date). For the record, babies born at 25 weeks DO NOT go home with the parents and often spend 3-4 months in the NICU. As for visiting me... you are all more then welcomed to come by... I just ask that you let me know if and when you are planning to stop by as I'm constantly in and out of the home visiting the girls.

WHAT WE STILL NEED
I've gotten a lot of text messages and Facebook messages, as well as my mother, asking what I still need for the babies. I have updated the registries (Target and Babies R Us) with what we still need as we are using the registries ourselves as a list for when we go out shopping. Feel free to go onto the registry to see what we still need. Thank you to those who have been bringing me clothes, etc. for the girls. We appreciate it all so very much! I finally started going through all the clothes and sorting them by size. It's a lot of onesies and pants. I think the girls are set with those until at least 6months! LOL So thank you all so much!

Weekly Stats on the Girls
Hadassah: Birth Weight: 1.6 pounds ... One Week Old Weight: 1.46 pounds
Isabella: Birth Weight 1.36 pounds ... One Week Old Weight: 1.3 pounds
Cianna: Birth Weight: 1.4 pounds ... One Week Old Weight: 1.2 pounds

SIDE NOTE:
I just want to say that I'm getting all of your text, facebook messages etc. I sometimes start to reply but never finish as I'm so busy. I'm so so so sorry for my late reply or no reply's. Please don't take it personal. I have A LOT going on right now. But thank you! I love you all!

EXTRAS:

 The girls at 2 days old!

November 21st, 2013

The girls top to bottom: Cianna, Isabella & Hadassah

November 28th, 2013 (Thanksgiving Day)

9 Days Old

Well... that's about it for the last 11 days... We just ask that you continue to pray for the girls health and well being, but also for our strength during this time. 

Xoxo,

Jackie